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The
Daughter-in-Law |
 Becoming a daughter-in-law for most women
means their lives will change – new husband, new
home, in-laws, and possibly a partial new identity through
a change of surname. The stories of the late Princess
Diana and Sarah Ferguson (daughter-in-laws in the royal
family) highlight the difficulty some women experience
as they try to fit into their husbands’ family.
A daughter-in-law in a farm family can
also find herself automatically becoming a business
partner. Despite great attempts to make her feel welcome,
she may still feel like an outsider. The old saying
that, “ there is nothing thicker than blood”
can ring true for a young woman joining a farm family.
Why is being a daughter-in-law challenging
for so many women marrying into a farm family? First
of all, no two families are alike. Each family has a
culture that is somewhat unique. Cultural differences
between families can be significant. For example, which
parent was the key decision maker in your family –
mother or father? How does this compare to your new
husband’s family? What about males doing household
tasks in each respective family? How many siblings do
you each have? Where in the family hierarchy were you
born? While these may seem to be subtle differences,
they shape the patterns of an individual’s perception
of how family members relate to each other.
When a woman gets married and becomes
a member of a new family, she is marrying more than
just her new husband. In most cases she is going to
be sharing this person with the rest of his farm family.
A daughter-in-law needs to be aware of
how she is perceived by her new family. Very few families
want to have radical changes forced upon them. If you
are seen as an instrument of change trouble could be
brewing around the corner for both you and your husband.
Immersing yourself in your husband’s family culture
helps to bridge many gaps, yet at the same time caution
must be taken not to lose your own personal identity.
For example, in your family birthday
celebrations may have been a big event – cake,
candles, gifts, flowers, cards, and possibly even an
evening out with dinner. But in your husband’s
family birthdays were possibly just another day –
maybe a cake but no gifts, cards or flowers. Gifts and
flowers may seem like minor cultural differences on
the surface, but to a newly married daughter-in-law,
this may feel like a mountain that is beginning to form
between you and your new family. Your husband may have
tried to impress you with special treatment on your
birthday when you were dating, but somehow the magic
of celebrating your big day is now getting lost in the
day-to-day routines. Over time, hurt, anger and frustration
can start to build.
How can a young woman successfully make
the transition into the role of daughter-in-law in a
farm family business? Continue to be true to yourself
– don’t lose your identity. Try to differentiate
between farm business and family issues. Become aware
of the differences between your family’s culture
and your husband’s, and try to understand and appreciate
the different traditions. You and your husband have
the opportunity to create new traditions that are unique
to you – be creative. Team up with a good mentor.
Ideally the best mentor should be your mother-in-law.
She probably was also a daughter-in-law. On top of this,
she knows your father-in-law and has been a mother to
your husband. If anyone should know how to get along
with these individuals it is she.
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